Yo Soy Aquiiiiiiiiiii
I did not write after my last post for a long long time. During all this time. I lived in Dominican Republic, then Mexico. It has been a wild ride. Now I am back visiting my parents for a moment, before I embark on my next adventure.
During these brief weeks of being home however. My heart has become heavier. I am reminded of the weight that drove me out in the first place. It is difficult because I do truly love my family, but being in their presence too long brings back a lot of suffering I wish would not appear in my body.
While in Dominican Republic I figured out how to make a reasonable income tutoring and teaching English online to Non-Native speakers. At first I loved it, then I dreaded working on my computer, found myself dissociating from this reality, but upon returning back to my parents place. It has been an anchor, something stable to keep me grounded wherever I go. I never realized this before but it also gives me energy. After every conversation I leave smiling learning something new and satisfied when I teach someone some common expressions used in American English, Like “YOU MISSED THE BOAT” or “The elephant in the room.”
Even though I see each student one on one, I feel like I have built my own little virtual community. I am grateful for this, and I am happy I can take this with me now into the next chapters of my life. What I truly crave though more than anything after I shut my computer for the day… Is genuine in person connection and community. To deeply see others and for them to deeply see me. To be seen is to be understood, to be accepted, in a safe sacred place of connection. I hope to manifest this into my life, because looking back at many moments in my life I realize I have always struggled to feel seen be seen. I must first see myself and let myself breathe, then maybe others will be able to see me too. A little something I wrote on Facebook recently sums up my feelings right now. I do not usually write my feelings on the internet, but I want to make an effort to try as another way to connect with others. I am constantly pursing community and connection.
“We live such solitary lives but truly humans are suppose to be in community. With each other. Accepting and loving each other. We are not meant to live in these boxes we call homes. And cram full of stuff we will forget about and never touch. Have so much clothes that many of them never even touch our bodies. we say we care about the lives of others. But then we continuously participate in systems that harm so much life and this planet. Many of us don’t even know the names of the trees, animals, what food grows locally in our region. Or where our meals come from. So many of us including myself have been disconnected from our true nature and what it means to be a human. So we feel lost. we are suppose to be caretakers of this land. Friends with our earth. Gardeners in this great world we call our home. but to us there is no interest of these things in our society. Our 9-5 job that gives us healthcare is our god. Meanwhile. Many things we eat and consume are engineered and work against our bodies rather than for it.
My heart feels so heavy today.
I emphasize the importance of community with others. We are not meant to be alone. Humans are social creatures. Connect with others. Love one another. Work on being present in this moment and don’t live completely in the past or the future. We have now. That is beautiful. What can we do with now.” - Me on Facebook
I have many stories to tell. So much to share. When I have the energy to release them I will write them here on this blog. Thank you for your time this evening.
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